那是一种无名的失落感，从没拥有过但却有失去的感觉，好莫名其妙。我就是这样怪的人吧。

一直都是我一厢情愿，认为他跟别人不一样，认为我们之间有种特别的默契。结果 一切都是我的幻想。

好寂寞。。

好无奈。。

本来美好的记忆，现以成为了一种负担。

好累。。好想哭。。我不喜欢现在的我，一点也不喜欢。。

我好想躺在他的怀中，感觉他的温暖，听他的心跳。

真的就这样结束了吗，连开始都没有，好可悲。

跟朋友作了个约定，只能难过两天，过了明天就再也不想他了。不想了。不想了。不想了。

给自己时间是对的，我爱喜欢上一个人的那股冲动，而代价就是现在这种失落和无奈。

很痛，但痛让我知道我还是活着的。

It’s a matter of months but I’m like a changed person..

One major reason why I’m not fooling around anymore.. I’m planning to have children.. yes.. me.. children. Isn’t that amazing?! I blame it on xia yi zhan xing fu, xiao xiao bin is just too cute liao!! I wan a son like him!! For the uninformed, xiao xiao bin is xiao bin bin’s son and they look exactly the same. The little boy is like his clone!!

What else have changed?! I can’t believe it either but I’m actually considering getting a iphone! omg! me?! the auntie phone?! Fuck, what about all the people I laughed at, now I’m joining them?!

But my hypersim died, my 933sh is officially out-of-service for the moment till I get a new hypersim which is going to cost me another 50 bucks.. I’m getting a little tired of the out-of-signal and media-lock thing..

Then again, there’s always the HK and TW version of keitais, and since my sis travels there so often, I might just buy one of them.. but I’m also tempted to get Nexus One..

So in conclusion, I’ll probably get a iphone, use it for a couple of weeks and then sell it off to fund my nexus or the “localized & unlocked” keitais.

Laugh at me, I shall be a iphone user soon.. bah…

Stop shouting at me like I’m your god-damn dog! One of them is enough, the other one have to learn from the bitch.. argh.. It’s so damn irritating! You know what phones are for? it’s there so that people dun have to raise their voice to talk to pple who are far away!

Fuck, does she even shout at her dogs.. duh..

***
Some people just cannot grow up, they like to WrItE lIkE tHiS, lIkE iT’s So DaRn CuTe.. then there are those who refuses to spell their names properly.. Kelvin is Kelvin, why the fuck do you have to spell it as Kelvn?? and it’s not a typo!!

Then there are people who blogs in 3-person narrative. For goodness sake it’s a blog! It’s meant for you to write I, we, us, not he, she, they! Who do they think they are anyway?? You’re not some goddamn important person that someone have to do a silly bio of you waking up late and having veggie for lunch.

***
On the first day of work in 2010, it had to rain.. and on my way to work, I heard this rustling sound, when I turned around to look for the source of the noise, I saw this girl wearing plastic bags on her feet. Erm.. didn’t we do that when we’re like in primary school? The girl I saw was in her late 20s already, and she’s wearing PLASTIC BAGS on her feet.

From the bag, I can see that she’s wearing normal slippers.. why the heck does she want to create such a fashion statement, I do not want to know.

So many things had happened in the past 2 months and so many things which were supposed to happen did not materialize. All in all, I would say that it’s been a good 2 months, though things did not turn out the way I expected, I learnt so much more about myself and I feel like I’ve really grown up.

Before hubby’s trip, I was planning to have lots of fun without him around. I can finally meet all the people I want to meet and do the things I want to do. But when the time came, I realized that I have no need to meet any of the people I’ve planned to meet, I was so much happier spending time being with myself. If I need company, all I need to do is to call home and my mum and sisters will join me for a girly afternoon out.

What had changed? I was thinking about it, if it’s a year ago, I would had grabbed the opportunity to meet all my man, but instead I’ve chose not to. Then I realized it’s because of D. Yes, him again, come to think of it, all these things happened because of him. I’m not trying to push blame but whether I like it or not, D played a major role in my life.

After the major fallout a couple of months back, he have cut off all communications with me. Just like the pill which I’ve stopped taking, the effects only showed after a few month.. I’ve got my libido back but so are the pimples!! argh!! I feel like a teenager again. But going back to D, without him constantly messaging me, I feel like a different person.

Back then, I was constantly trying to prove myself to erm.. myself. I was constantly trying to prove that I’m living a better life than him and that I can do the things which he will never dream that I will do. And so I strayed.. once and again.. all to prove that I CAN and I WILL.

I enjoyed the process greatly, I’ve met quite a few people who are simply amazing in their own rights. But still something was not right, I dun feel guilty for all the pleasures but the pleasures do not bring me as much satisfaction as I thought they would.

Then came the fallout and eventually the fading of D from my life. I feel liberated, I finally feel like I’m myself again and there’s no longer a need to prove myself. I’m happy with the way I am, I’m happy with my life and I’m happy with my hubby.

Life is routine for us, every other hour hubby will make me fume, then every other other hour, he will make me laugh. He makes me angry all the time, but when we’re apart, I’m constantly thinking of him. Even during lunches with my colleagues, I’m always talking about him or the things he told me. His life revolves around me and my life revolves around him.

I’ve finally found my balance in life..

..or hopefully in threes.. For the past 2 nights I’ve been having dreams involving me and some other cute guy..

Yesterday I dreamt of going out with Lg’s Bestie. I always like this guy, he’s a total ah beng and being the closet lian, I just can’t help liking this ah beng. He has player written all over his face and there’s more than once when I was tempted to see what would happen if I set up a irresistible proposition, but then again, never underestimate the friendship between men. Lg and bestie have been friends like forever, it’s not a gamble which I would like to take.

I can’t recall what happened in the dream already, I just know it’s sorta erotic and there’s some action involved.

This morning’s dream was much more mild.. I was on vacation with my family and several friends, lg was not around of course.. So while checking out the hotel (or was it a cruise ship? then again it feels like genting) on my own, I bumped into this cute guy who immediately started to chat with me.. So we just hung around, flirted with each other. I liked being around him coz he’s this super tall guy and when he hugged me, the feeling of being completely enveloped is so lovely.. (btw, this guy reminds me of Theo :p Theo, hope you’re enjoying your honeymoon!!)

The next thing I know, we’re having breakfast with my sister. My sister seems to be interested in the cutie, so I left them to get some food for my sis.. She was way more interested to talk to the guy than getting food.. And at the buffet line, I bumped into yet another cutie! Again he smiled at me, I smiled back and we started to talk. Deciding that my sister can distract cutie no. 1, I just went along with cutie no. 2.

Once we were away from the restaurant, we were practically like all over each other, fooling around, giggling like no body’s business, and then we met my friends. We sat down to talk and my friends kept telling him that I’M MARRIED.. then from underneath the table, his hand came over to check out my ring finger.. then at the same time, I checked out the ring on his middle finger.. He whispered into my ears, “you’re married and I’m engaged.. my fiancée is in New Zealand. We’re a perfect match.” (psst.. Steve! See I miss u so much, u’re the only person I know with gf in NZ :p)

And at this moment, cutie no. 1 have to appear and it started to become a little awkward.. and my alarm rang..

2 very different dreams and I do like both of them, but given a choice, I would prefer today’s dream. I’m always a sucker for sweet puppy love. I like erotic stuff, but I like puppy love even more, the rush of feelings when our fingers meet; the tingling feeling which runs down my spine when he looks at me; the way he looks at me.. ..

Halloween is coming up and it’s dressing up time! I’ve brought a couple of costumes way back and I’ve never really gotten around trying them on and taking some pics..

After trying one on, I can’t decide if I like it better with the black g-string or the red and gold g-string, so in the end I chose to go without :p

Of course the pics are taken with the help of Nu bra :p what can I do without it?

I just love the way the look comes together, so much so I got wet just prancing around taking pictures..

P.S. The detox is working, one month off the pill and I can already feel the old Jess coming back.. get ready to welcome the Nympho!

Yes.. him again.. nope, he didn’t call me or anything, but I dunno why I just felt like checking his credit card account.. the usual petrol bills and hotel stays.. I thought he didn’t like Fragrance, well at least I dun like that place, it’s just too.. yucky for me, hotel 81 is so much better and the locations are much better.

Actually I’m kinda surprised that he pays his hotel bills with his credit card, but then again he’s probably going with his new gf so I dun think it really matters. As usual he enjoys short hotel stays, he’s already been to Traders twice and Hotel Royal.. It’s like SOP for him, always the same kinda operation mode, but who isn’t.. ..

Me and my curiosity, when will I ever learn to not probe into other people’s matters :p

I just love my new phone

It’s so darn pretty and though they have it in red, I decided that I have one too many red phones already, I should get white for a change. I wanted to bling it up with crystals but I can’t coz the phone will not be able to close properly, and I risk scratching my keypad, so I’m sticking to stickers at the moment.

The phone is really just a chio phone and nothing much already, as usual with Japanese phones, so many functions are being restricted. No 3G, no mms, no data, no gps.. but I have my 10mp ccd camera, gyro, privacy screen, touchscreen (with a normal keypad), so I’m fine with the phone. I do miss being able to surf and check emails on my phone, but it’s better for my wallet coz data charges are crazy.

And I was finally able to get rid the X1! finally.. after all the troubles it gave it, it’s good riddance.. Even with hypersim and such, I only had missing messages but never missing calls.. plus the phone is just slow, I’m so so glad to go back to a normal phone, no more windows mobile for me.

***
I haven had such peace in a long while, I’m so glad that D pissed me off that day and made me tell him exactly what I thought of him. I haven’t heard from him since then and it’s just fantastic! In some ways, I find it hard to let him go when he’s constantly making his presence known with messages and stuff like that, but now, nothing, nothing at all.. it’s so damn peaceful.

All break-ups should be like so, stop all the pretense of still being friends and all that, break-up means break-up, no more contact is required.

I plan to write a nice post but work beckons.. and I have a dinner appointment..

So happy birthday sweetie! I do think of you every now and then, I dunno why but it’s not necessary to know

I’ve sprained my ankle for the very first time in 28 years.. fucking painful.. Once again my mum’s words ring true.. I need my sleep, if I’m not getting enough sleep, I’ll start falling sick and stuff like that

I have not been getting enough rest and I tumbled down the stairs on monday. It’s a good thing I fell when lg is around, so he carried me back home and took the next 2 days off to take care of me. My ankle is still swollen, my knee still hurts and I got this HUGE bruise on my thigh.. *pain pain pain*

But I got treated like a queen, my lg refused to let me get out of bed, so whatever I want, I just tell him and he gets it for me. If I do need to go anywhere, he’ll carry me there that’s the good thing of being injured..

***
It might be placebo effect but I feel like my libido is coming back.. let’s just hope that it’s coming back for good.. even with a sprained ankle, I was game for some fun, so I take that as a sign to the road of recovery.

Also, we found out that Espire suits my lg better than Okamoto, and it’s just as thin and unobtrusive.